Thinking Paper #197: David Cameron's bald spot - a decision please‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The conundrum that is David Cameron's bald spot has plagued Westminster's think-tanks for generations, perhaps Millenia. The IIPBA has of course covered the dynamics of the spot in one of its earlier papers, but is revisiting the subject as a matter of urgency.

Cam man comb home

The Cam man has been Mr Top bollocks now for 18 months. In this time he has undergone some dramatic changes. He's getting that lovely bloated look that first term Tony got, but with an additional rosyness which makes him look like an 18th century land owner on a Boxing day hunt. He's also got notably angrier, particularly when that stupid fellow on the opposition benches asks him questions in a nasal tone that would test the patience of God himself.

Finally, and most seriously, his bald patch is getting bigger. What with the stresses and strains of government, a new baby and having to manage Steve Hilton, his hair has understandably taken a big hit in the last 18 months. A big thanks goes to Sir Simon Hoggart for so closely monitoring its regress.

The data

• The IIPBA has taken the liberty of surveying the great and the good that is the British public to assess the popular feeling about his scalp. We interviewed a few bald fellas down the pub and came up with the following:
• 98% started crying when we asked them about their experience of going bald. One man, who seemed to speak for most, said that "the whole process was ball achingly crushing." As he caught his breath he screamed "I'd rather be married to Cherly Gillan than do a William Hague".
• 67% said that they would probably like Dave more if he accepted his baldness gracefully, shaved it all off and be done with the ridiculous charade that is his comb back.
• 100% rubbed their head in a tired fashion, sighed and tried to depart their cloud of hairless induced apathy.

Concluding comments

Shave it off Dave, shave it all off, or face the risk of being de-throned by that sneaky young upstart, Mike Penning. We're watching you Mike.